Routine Bites Hard

The brain will atrophy if it’s not continually creating new pathways.    A worry for me lately since I feel like I'm queen of routine now.  Now, I’ve been a lot more physically healthy because of the exercise, eating restrictions, etc.  (I’m pretty sure the exercise is what brought forth the cobwebbed areas of my brain.)   However mentally, I feel grinded down.  Research shows that the basal ganglia (habit part of the brain) will go into autopilot if you do the same thing over and over whether or not the outcome’s good or bad for you.  The more your brain goes into autopilot, the more it atrophies.   It's important to break up the routine.

The sucky thing is routine is essential for our life.  Only through habits can our brain make more sense of things we see over and over and begin writing narratives/ or giving structure to our environment.  It’s how we make sense of the world.  It’s also how we get security.  For me, the girl with Saturn in her 4^th house.  I need that security especially at home.  So, I’m afraid to give up our perfect bungalow, the easy parking, the quiet environment, all the things I recognize as home.  It's not easy to take a flamethrower to it all- it's freakin’ scary.  

The amygdala governs fear (triggers fight or flight response) is located in the primitive part of the brain, the frontal cortex (newest developed part of the brain) can learn to calm that part of the brain down.   They say you can rewire your brain with designed thoughts and actions. That's how they train Navy Seals to perform through scary situations.   Now, being a Seal seems like a lot, but I think being brave is a decision any one of us can make at any moment.

Time to start being tough in all the right ways.
Time to start changing my ways.  

Road to Nowheresville

I’ve had a rough week of tossing and turning in bed, getting close to walking out of my job, and sobbing on the drive home.  My daily commute covers 300mi a week, 1200mi a month, about 14,400mi a year.  Every freakin’ mile behind me is another mile of my life.  My commute’s become an existential bubble between black pavement and a ton of moving metal.   The continual bubble of self has given me time to reflect and I’ve started to regret certain choices in life.

Don’t get me wrong.  I’ve been very fortunate and grateful for everything I’ve been given.  Which is a lot.  I have the best friends, greatest husband, supportive art community, etc.  I just keep panicking that if I don’t leave this dumbass desk job, I’m going to shrivel and die!!!  My workplace is a wonderful prestigious place for someone that wants to settle into something.  I'm just not ready to die. 

Another thing is, I’m getting closer to the end of baby bearing years.  (Yes, I’d love to have A baby.)  I just want to be sure I won’t feel a shred of regret if I do.  That could easily happen if I don’t try to follow my dreams.   I realize I’m choosing a later stage in life to change.  It's also harder in some ways because I’m no longer traveling alone, I’m married.  Every change in life will impact C’s as well.   However, I’m very grateful to say, he’s been completely supportive and understands how important it is for me to accomplish this goal.   We will be downgrading our beautiful house to live in a one-bedroom, I’ll be moving to part time work.   A baby will have to wait. 

So, I’m going back to school to eventually get a Masters in Art History w/ an Emphasis in Museum and Curatorial Studies.  It might be a stopandgo journey, but at least I’m getting off the road to Nowheresville.

((Thank you ever-loving Husband))

Mirror, Mirror

My tolerance for passive aggressiveness is at an all time low.    Now, I realize we all have our weapons.   I recognize I have the tendency to be aggressive.  I have had to restrain myself from slapping bitches in the face— the last time I came close was at the Prospector a few years ago when some young bitches were laughing at our frail intoxicated Cancer stricken friend.    (It’s one thing to mess with me, it’s an entirely more pissed off thing if you mess with someone I love.)   Let's be clear, I'm not saying that's the right course of action.  Luckily, I had a friend with me that was a lot more eloquent with words, everything resolved peacefully.  

I’m just wondering when it became decided that all conflict’s “mean”.   I’m sorry, but that’s completely irrational thinking.  Since when is being dishonest about your feelings the right course of action?  I think burying your true feelings easily manifest into more negative actions.  I don’t think conflict’s about being ‘nice’ or ‘mean’—it’s about maintaining honesty and integrity.   It’s about saying exactly what you feel versus, “I must please people by telling them what they want to hear.”  Being honest yields much more positive results than being ‘nice’.   Conflict’s a way of opening conversation up for a resolution.  I understand that some people don't want that though.  I guess it's nice to wallow in self-pity at times.

For me, if I see passive aggressiveness, I’m gonna call it out.  I recommend you do the same even if it’s toward me.  I don’t ever want to disconnect my feelings from what I’m communicating.   I want to be trustworthy.  Because what do you come to trust from a person: their words or actions?   

So, passive aggressive bitches keep acting that way and you’ll get slapped with something worse than a hand to the face—you might get slapped with the truth.